I’m staring down the barrel of 30, I’ve been married to man for a few years, naturally people are asking. I get why people have kids, I do. And I admire anyone who makes it through 18-plus years of child-rearing, but frankly I just don’t think I’m up to the challenge (and honestly, I don’t really want to be.) So here it is, 26 reasons why reproduction isn’t for me.
A-Antibiotic resistance. Let’s face it, as a species, we are quite royally fucked. Pandas apparently had the same realisation and decided to lay off the breeding. I think they’ve got the right idea.
B-Baby food. Is there anything more disgusting? I mean, really?
C- Crying. I cannot stand the sound of a child crying as it is. The thought of a child crying and it being my problem is frankly unbearable.
D-Donald Tump. Alright, hopefully he won’t be around forever (unless he does a Robert Mugabe and just refuses. to. leave-quite likely), but bringing anyone into a world where he’s in power seems irrational and I’m pretty sure my child-bearing years will be a distant memory before we’ve got rid of him.
E-Epidural. I’m not great with needles. I’m also not great with pain. It doesn’t scream birthing material, does it?
F-Feeding. If you breast feed, you’re judged. If you bottle them, you’re judged. You can’t win.
G-Germs. I am a germaphobe, and I mean literally. Therefore having a child is pretty much my worst nightmare.
H-Handbags. I like spending my money on handbags. Nappy bags would not fit that bill.
I-Iphones. You couldn’t refuse them one, but they’re also a minefield for child safety. See letter X.
J-Juvenile delinquents. What if my child turned into one? Or dated one? Or got shot by one? See letter W.
K-Kid’s menus. I just find them off-putting.
L-Life. Honestly, I find it hard enough as it is!
M-Morbid thoughts. I am not exaggerating when I say that I live in constant fear of losing those around me. If i had a child, I know for sure that fear with crush me.
N-Nipples. I like mine un-chafed.
O-Other people’s opinions. On the name, on what I feed them, on my parenting style. I just don’t want to have to fight my corner all the time.
P-Planes. I want to see the world. I do not see how that would be possible with a little person.
Q-The Queen. She’s already 90. And looks who’s coming next. See letter D.
R-Rights. It seems like we have fewer and fewer of them. I just don’t think it’s fair to bring someone into this world right now.
S-Sex. No explanation needed.
T-Tears. Both pronunciations of the word.
U-Uterus. I had a coil in there once. It hurt. A lot. And it was a hell of a lot smaller and lighter than a 10-lb baby.
V-Vagina. No explanation needed.
W-Worrying. I do a lot of it. Being responsible for a tiny human would not relieve that.
X-X-rated text messages. They might send them, they might receive them. It’s a never-ending source of crippling anxiety.
Y-Yakking. I’ve spent some time with babies. They puked. A lot.
Z-Zoos. Children like visiting zoos. I do not like zoos.